He wears sunglasses indoors, in winter, at nighttime
by TimeturnerJasmy
Summary: "Don't give me that look, Dick. Empirical data suggests that glasses are obviously the most effective disguise." Crackfic.


_**AN: This crackfick has been sitting around in my head for way too long, and the idea made me giggle awkwardly in public one too many times now, which is why I decided to finally put it on paper. Figuratively speaking, of course. Since, you know, this isn't paper and I'm not actually speaking, either, and... Okay, I'll shut up now.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: Young Justice doesn't belong to me, or we would have at least gotten some flashbacks about the timeskip. Yes, I'm still salty about that.**_

 _ **The title of this fic doesn't belong to me either, but to Ed Sheeran. It was simply too perfect and I couldn't pass it up.**_

It was night. Not that it made much of a difference in the Batcave, which was always dark and gloomy, despite the lights fixed onto the overhead structures.

It was night, and Dick Grayson was wearing sunglasses.

He was also wearing a bemused frown, which he had levelled on the broad man standing in front of him.

"Really, Bruce?", the boy asked drily, and one sharp eyebrow rose over the upper edge of the shades.

"Don't give me that look, Dick", the Batman replied evenly while he strode over to the display cases in order to retrieve his suit. "Empirical data suggests that glasses are obviously the most effective disguise."

Dick Grayson huffed incredulously. "Says Clark, you mean."

"Says empirical data", Bruce Wayne returned. The sentence sounded final.

"It's just a pair of shades, Bruce!", Dick exclaimed anyway. "This is ridiculous! They will recognise me immediately!"

With an exasperated sigh, he pulled up a newsfeed on his wristcomputer and opened one particular picture. "Heck, Richard Grayson was even photographed wearing shades when you took me to the beach last weekend!" They had actually been to that nice little island in order to investigate the whereabouts of a branch of the League of Shadows, but a beach vacation had been the perfect cover story for the media. "And my hair was wet, so the gel didn't keep up the usual rich-little-kid look Alfred insists on, either!"

He held the picture up next to his own face, scowling at his mentor all the while. "See? I look _identical_! Nobody will be fooled by _this_!", he exclaimed as he pointed an accusing finger at the sunglasses sitting innocently on his nose.

"Don't be ridiculous, Dick", Bruce said, raising an eyebrow of his own.

"Ridiculous? Me?!" At this point, Dick was seriously considering asking Alfred to drug his mentor's dinner so he could run a full blood analysis on him while Bruce was knocked out. Some weird side effect of the Joker Gas Batman had accidentally inhaled a few days ago, maybe? Or a new kind of spore Poison Ivy had created? Scratch that last one, she was still locked up in Arkham. Or at least, she _should_ be...

Dick added a check on Ivy's whereabouts to his mental to-do-list and returned his attention to the Batman, who was just in the process of winding his heavy cape around his shoulders.

"Obviously", the man continued in his trademark fear-me-for-I-am-the-night voice. "Those were a different pair of shades. You look completely different now."

The check on Ivy's whereabouts skyrocketed to number two of his mental checklist, right below _definitely_ convincing Alfred that drugging Bruce's next meal was a good idea.

The man in question pulled on his cowl, an it was Batman who glared at him now. "You can't deny that it works", he growled. "Even Louis Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is really Superman."

"I knew it!", Dick snapped, finally losing his patience in the face of sheer ridiculousness. "Bruce, it might work for Clark for whatever reason, but we can't rely on that! Why can't I just... I dunno, wear contacts and do some contouring around my eyes? I'd look like a completely different person!"

Batman just gave him a _Look_ , as if Dick was the one being completely unreasonable right now. "Empirical data, chum. Empirical data." His Batman-voice was unusually soft, as if he was talking to a particularly dense and slow little child. Dick almost gasped in indignation.

Without waiting for a reply, the vigilante turned around and made for the Zeta Tubes. "This discussion is over", he announced firmly. Dick just heaved a sigh of defeat and followed. "You can't just decide that."

"Oh yes, I can", came the almost-smug reply.

Dick looked up sharply. Damn, he had really walked into that one. "Bruce, no. Bruce, I swear to Einstein-"

"BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!"


End file.
